On the surface, my life looked pretty put together. Behind the scenes, I was falling apart.
My career grew as I intended. I went from bedside nurse to public servant in re-establishing quarantine during SARS in 2003, to running the National Stockpile for Canada to becoming an executive in public health and emergency management. All the while growing my skills, my leadership acumen, getting a Master’s degree and building a personal portfolio that eventually had me bringing home a 6-figure salary.
I had old friends from high school tell me how ‘together’ I was. My colleagues looked at me as their ‘rock’ and being the dependable one that got shit done and was the advocate for the group. I seemed resilient and strong – on the outside.
Inside, I was crumbling. My motivation leaching by the day. I felt like I was on the never-ending treadmill of career growth but felt more and more empty inside. Like I wasn’t living the life I was meant to. Like I wasn’t living up to my soul’s expectation. Maybe it was mid-age. Maybe it was my hormones. Maybe it was that I was simply working at something that either never, or no longer aligned with who I am authentically.
Then one day, it all came to a stop.
I was on another stressful call with senior management. We were trying to implement what felt like the impossible during COVID. I got off the call and felt the urge to head to the restroom. There was blood. There was fear. Then came my tears. I immediately thought worst case scenario. This is how it ends for me. Cancer. Having never really lived what and how I want.
Except it wasn’t cancer. It was inflammation due to stress. The thing about burnout and stress is that if you don’t listen to the more subtle cues, your body will do it for you. It will tell you…‘ENOUGH’!
As I considered the physical impacts that I allowed the stress to take hold, I began to reflect on all the other areas of my life; my mind, my emotional self, my relationships, my goals, my joy, that all had been either ignored or pushed aside in favour of the machinery. I felt utterly disconnected and trapped. I was now trapped in a big job, with a big salary, a big house and a big life that depended on me continuing to show up in something that was, quite literally, killing me.
What I needed wasn’t another hack on how to improve my productivity or to manage time. I needed a complete reset. Mind. Body. Soul.
I went to therapy to deal with the messages in my head. But I felt like something was still ‘off’ or missing. I spent decades in my head and somehow never really found peace and the clarity I was seeking.
I began learning how to regulate my nervous system, how to slow down and reprioritize without losing momentum and how to find the courage to move towards the life I really wanted rather than the life I maintained out of obligation. I found how to connect to my body, my heart and the value of somatic work in releasing stress and stored pain or trauma. I needed to actually recover, not just ‘rest’. What I needed was more than a vacation. It was a a complete shift and a realignment of how I was living my life.
The truth is that the impacts of stress don’t just impact your energy levels, they rob you of your clarity, your health, your relationships, your empathy and your edge as a leader. I found ways of resetting my neurological system that enabled more health and resilience to emerge rather than continuing to keep me in stress related saturation and overload. I found ways of connecting to myself deeply again. Perhaps more than I had in decades. Is my life perfect? No! I am still working on shedding the weight I gained over all those months and years but I am feeling more grounded than ever. Now, I get to share this other health leaders to help them recover from the impacts of stress BEFORE they crash out.
If any of this sounds familiar, know you are not alone and I am here to help you, if you decide you want some help finding your way.
I am creating something designed specifically for health leaders like us. The EXHALE Method™ and a new Stress and Energy Audit is coming soon to get you started.
Want first access? Just reply with the subject line ‘EXHALE’ and I’ll be sure to send you more info once it is ready.
